week after the launch of Viemère the most unexpected thing happened. I found out we were pregnant. Was I
thrilled? Yes. BUT also no. The desire
of my heart was always to have a 2nd so my son would have a
sibling. A friend. A family member. Poor kid doesn’t even have cousins. The idea has been off the table for years,
with a few occasional power struggles that I won. But nothing was solid and my heart knew I
needed full buy-in before this life changing decision could be made.
But God had other plans for us. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Or ‘off’ depending which day you ask me. I literally just launched a company and had a tough 3 months ahead to prove out my concept. Momentum was just taking off. I had boxes of maternity clothes. Everywhere. And just like that...I was hit with nausea, massive vomiting, sleepless nights, and this time around a horrific rash all over my face.
I couldn’t be seen in public with all those red patches on my cheeks, let alone try to keep it together without throwing up. But even if I could keep it together, my mind was no where to be found. It’s not like I’m thinking about the baby. Or the changes. It’s literally blank. Yes. Blank. It’s like I lost all cognitive ability to think. I think about my friend who’s a Cardiologist (who was working when she was pregnant). If I had patients under my care, they would definitely not make it. What about my friend who’s a lawyer? Or my friend with 3 kids? I pride myself in being emotionally stronger than most. I thought I could do it. And so I tried really hard. I did. But my stomach was so upset. It was like a raging pit of acid. My tongue tasted disgustingly sour, I feel hungover, car sick and vacant. This is suppose to be the most joyous time of a woman’s life but why can’t I feel any joy? Do you know how many friends I know that struggle with infertility? Miscarriages? And here I am gifted with a miracle? The guilt overwhelms me. Not to mention all I did was huddle in the corner all day. Emotionally detached and just outright disconnected & disinterested in my 3 year old.
Things got progressively worse over the weeks. I absolutely forgot how horrible things were. But as far as I recall, this is much worse! I know every woman goes through it so differently. But when you barf so much and nothing else comes out except tears - you lose a bit of yourself. The guilt of not being there for my son, putting all my business goals on hold, not being able to even make food for myself was driving me crazy.
So I counted the days till the first trimester hell ends. This being my second, sadly there was no magic in what’s to come. Hanging on to Dicletin like my life depended on it – I tried to live day to day. I hit 12 weeks. And nothing. I still felt horrible. Got off Dicletin thinking I’ve made it. That night I threw up more than I could count. Now add anxiousness to the mix of guilt & pressure on myself. I had to wait another month before I was out of my hibernation hell.
I’m writing the ending to this blog post at 21 weeks. Yes, I’m now over the terrible first trimester. I’ve gone through the emotional roller coaster of giving up on the business and then deciding to re-evaluate what life has thrown at me. I’m forever grateful to my mentors who’ve challenged me and asked me the hard questions that I needed to ask myself. Big hugs to my hubby for workin’ double duty (now you see how much I do around here??) and my baby boy who just couldn’t wait to get his mama back.
And yes I’m
back. Better than before? Maybe. But definitely bigger than before :)
Follow my journey on Instagram @Shopviemere and support me as I tried to grow this business (and a baby at the same time!)